This site is not a collection of bitter ramblings or the sorry tale of someone who lost their first love or stopped overcoming. Rather this site is the collection of thoughts, formatted as questions, that lead me away from the Revival Fellowship and ultimately Christianity.
Unlike Pastor Darryl’s proverbial frog in the saucepan – falling away wasn’t something that gradually crept up on me, nor was I oblivious to the slowly boiling water. These double-minded-man questions accumulated over a period of nine years which I became very good at ignoring. These doubts came to a climax when I decided to address them and begin thinking critically about what I believe – which I had previously taken for granted. Ultimately as a result of this critical thinking I consciously and very deliberately decided to stop fellowshipping.
My testimony
I was brought up in the Lord and had the best upbringing and childhood anyone could ever ask for. I am not bitter towards the Fellowship or anyone still there – it will always be a part of who I am and I still am friends with saints (although historically these friendships don’t stand much of a chance).
My first real confrontation with ideas that opposed the doctrine of the Revival Fellowship happened whilst enrolled in a Christian high school. (Perhaps this is why the Pastor’s Manual characterises these as “dangerous for the spiritual well-being of our children”.) Here I was challenged by wishy-washy Christians who said faith alone was needed for salvation and that speaking in tongues was not important or even ‘for today’. Over a period of 5 years I became very well versed in both this false doctrine and the RF defense. At the time I didn’t think too much about why there were two different versions or how it was possible to argue opposing ideas out of the same book – given that it was God’s infallible Word.
These doubts came to a head during uni. I had a lot of unanswered questions regarding contradictions in the Bible, speaking in tongues, Bible numerics, the British Israel teachings, creationism, and teachings on the Pyramid of Giza. Still, I figured these niggling thoughts were Satan trying to distract me from the ‘bigger picture’. At this point I decided I wanted to find true Christianity. So I began systematically studying and probing each and every aspect; seeking to find (as promised in Matthew 7:7).
I had assumed that the more I search the scriptures – the clearer things would become. This couldn’t be further from actuality: one by one, each avenue I explored I encountered critical issues. This included the multifaceted and contradicting nature of God, a plethora of discrepancies within the Bible, Jesus as God, tongues as a sign and the teachings on creationism.
It soon became evident that the only reason I kept attending the meetings was out of habit, guilt and indecision as to what I should do or believe instead.
Where I’m at now
I still don’t have any answers; this site simply represents the questions that lead me to doubt. I am writing a follow-up post called Hope After Faith which will sketch out my evolving worldview covering questions of ontology, moral philosophy, and the limits of knowledge. [Editor’s note: that was an ambitious version of me. He meant well.]
Jordan Hillier
hello@jordanhillier.com
December 2009